I don’t quite know how to say this.
I am also certain that I don’t know how to do this properly, or if I am doing it correctly.
I don’t know if it is “allowed” within the community or accepted or not. I have done a lot of research, more importantly Soul searching on it. I have meditated on it. I have talked to my dearest loved one about it.
I have come out of the “spiritual closet“….which is defined as a person who is highly connected to their spiritual gifts of connecting to either the Mediumship or Psychic realms.
I have learned many lessons on my 47 years on this planet and one of the most important rememberings is to just go for it. Risk is a vital part of the growth process and a large part of my spiritual journey. It keeps you from staying stuck and from stagnation. This is part of the Divine Feminine experience. The transition from a third dimensional, fear ridden dimension to a higher, more aligned space of ultimate trust.
I am a bi-curious/bi-sexual cis woman.
Is that even worthy of an announcement, says my brain. Will I be attacked for not being fully sure of my own sexuality? The brain can be very loud when you have made a conscious choice to share a part of your life experience. The ego vs soul battle begins. If you know me at all, you know that I am 100 percent Spirit-led and I make all of my decisions based on the spiritual gps within all of us.
“If you possess enough courage to speak out what you are, you will find you are not alone.”
― Richard Wright, Black Boy
Overriding all of these questions that have arisen within me over the last few weeks, is a stronger desire to be completely transparent and authentic. I feel with my heart that on my journey of self-remembering (the life long process of undoing all of your previous limitations, negative beliefs and biases) it is the appropriate time to share.
Is this for attention? Absolutely not. When I look back on my work as a Medium (the experience of un-becoming and a return to your soul’s origin) in addition to my deep and sacred work with various plant medicines, I know for certain that love is pure. It’s unconditional. Not expecting it from others (expectation is a judgement and full of fear/lack) is key in many of life’s experiences. It is a pure unconditional love of self. The whole of you. Your perceived imperfections, your insecurities all come to the surface to be healed and loved fully. It isn’t until you are ready to be completely honest with yourself (after many years of confusion and ignoring your feelings) that you will ever feel truly FREE.
How did I come to this point?
After my most recent Ayahuasca ceremony, I came out of it with the idea that I have no idea who I am anymore. I don’t know who I am. That’s a terrifying thought to have, especially if you are not an avid meditator, have never done any spiritual work or sat with yourself. I healed a sexual trauma that I did not know I even had experienced. It was buried so deeply within me that I could not see why I was experiencing certain blocks in my life. It shocked me yet loved me at the same time. That is the Divine intelligence of Grandmother Aya.
Looking back on the last month, I now notice a reset period. Not knowing who I am anymore has allowed me the gift to go deeper and see that I love both genders. It resurfaced a memory of a woman I loved when I was 34 and how naive I had been in that entire experience. I didn’t understand what those intense feelings had been until today. 13 years later.
Sharing it with you, dear reader, feels very expansive. I have no idea what will come out of this sacred sharing, but I do understand the magnitude of doing something with the power of unconditional love behind it. It will be whatever is for the highest good of all. Not just what comes back at me. It will show YOU where your judgements still lie. It will bring up questions about your own sexual orientation. These are all amazing results from me taking a risk and sharing my heart. I also know that what one thinks of me is none of my business and to never take anything personally (The Four Agreements) Having these spiritual teachings within me will ground and root me in.
I hope that if you are struggling with a truth like mine, you will find a way to risk it all and be your true self. Your SOUL you.
I am still “feeling things out” as I go. I am mid-journey. I am in no rush. I am open and ready to own my wholeness regardless of others opinions. I do not concern myself with my “reputation” any longer as well. I know that this is a false truth and not something I subscribe to any longer. That is what vulnerability has given me. What going to the depths of my subconscious has provided me. It’s an arduous journey to within. The Tower moment. The Kali moment are all there to expose your insides and then recreate a stronger more aligned experience/version of you. You will go through a grieving process of a death of who you believed yourself to be. You will grieve your old relationships. You will grieve idea that people have of you. It all falls away when you are ready to meet yourself. ❤
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